We’ve all said things that people interpreted much differently than we thought they would. These seemingly benign comments lead to the awful feeling that only comes when you’ve planted your foot firmly into your mouth.
Verbal slip-ups often occur because we say things without knowledge of the subtle implications they carry. Understanding these implications requires social awareness—the ability to pick up on the emotions and experiences of other people.
TalentSmart has tested the emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and discovered that social awareness is a skill in which many of us are lacking.
We lack social awareness because we’re so focused on what we’re going to say next—and how what other people are saying affects us—that we completely lose sight of other people.
This is a problem because people are complicated. You can’t hope to understand someone until you focus all of your attention in his or her direction.
The beauty of social awareness is that a few simple adjustments to what you say can vastly improve your relationships with other people.
To that end, there are some phrases that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid in casual conversation. The following are the worst offenders. You should avoid them at all costs.
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“You look tired.” Tired people are incredibly unappealing—they have droopy eyes and messy hair, they have trouble concentrating, and they’re as grouchy as they come. Telling someone he looks tired implies all of the above and then some.
Instead say: “Is everything okay?” Most people ask if someone is tired
because they’re intending to be helpful (they want to know if the other person is okay). Instead of assuming someone’s disposition, just ask. This way, he can open up and share. More importantly, he will see you as concerned instead of rude.
“You always…” or “You never…” No one always or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. These phrases make people defensive and closed off to your message, which is a really bad thing because you likely use these phrases when you have something important to discuss.
Instead say: Simply point out what the other person did that’s a problem for
you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do this often enough for me to notice.” “As I said before…” We all forget things from time to time. This phrase makes it sound as if you’re insulted at having to repeat yourself, which is hard on the recipient (someone who is genuinely interested in hearing your perspective). Getting insulted over having to repeat yourself suggests that either you’re insecure or you think you’re better than everyone else (or both!). Few people who use this phrase actually feel this way.
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Instead say: When you say it again, see what you can do to convey the
message in a clearer and more interesting manner. This way they'll remember what you said.
“Good luck.” This is a subtle one. It certainly isn’t the end of the world if you wish someone good luck, but you can do better because this phrase implies that they need luck to succeed.
Instead say: “I know you have what it takes.” This is better than wishing her
luck because suggesting that she has the skills needed to succeed provides a huge boost of confidence. You’ll stand out from everyone else who simply wishes her luck.
“It’s up to you.” or “Whatever you want.” While you may be indifferent to the question, your opinion is important to the person asking (or else he wouldn’t have asked you in the first place).
Instead say: “I don’t have a strong opinion either way, but a couple things to consider are…” When you offer an opinion (even without choosing a side),
it shows that you care about the person asking.
“Well at least I’ve never ___.” This phrase is an aggressive way to shift attention away from your mistake by pointing out an old, likely irrelevant mistake the other person made (and one you should have forgiven her for by now).
Instead say: “I’m sorry.” Owning up to your mistake is the best way to bring
the discussion to a more rational, calm place so that you can work things out. Admitting guilt is an amazing way to prevent escalation.
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“Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!” Once again, a well-meaning comment—in this case a compliment—creates the impression that you’re being critical. Telling someone that she has lost a lot of weight suggests that she used to look fat or unattractive.
Instead say: “You look fantastic.” This one is an easy fix. Instead of
comparing how she looks now to how she used to look, just compliment her for looking great. It takes the past right out of the picture.
“You were too good for her anyway.” When someone severs ties with a relationship of any type, personal or professional, this comment implies he has bad taste and made a poor choice in the first place.
Instead say: “Her loss!” This provides the same enthusiastic support and
optimism without any implied criticism.
“You look great for your age.” Using “for your” as a qualifier always comes across as condescending and rude. No one wants to be smart for an athlete or in good shape relative to other people who are also knocking on death’s door. People simply want to be smart and fit.
Instead say: “You look great.” This one is another easy fix. Genuine
compliments don’t need qualifiers. Bringing It All Together
In everyday conversation, it’s the little things that make all the difference. Try these suggestions out, and you’ll be amazed at the positive response you get
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Ten things you can't have too much of in 2018
A few years ago, I published a small list of the ten things you can’t have too much of.
Now, with the New Year upon us, I figured it was time for an update. Trivial as it may seem, putting together a list like this can serve a useful purpose. It causes us to reflect on the infinite needs that we each have, and potentially make adjustments necessary to achieve homeostasis (which, ironically, you can indeed have too much of).
This list excludes things that you might just love, like chocolate, campfires, ice cream, sun block, vacation days, maple syrup, good coffee, sushi, or prime rib. It’s not hard to imagine that you could overdose on any of these. However, anyone who has taken the 84-oz. roast beef challenge at a Texas steak house knows that you can actually have too much roast beef. Some other items that did not make the main list were knowledge, ink/toner, karaoke, puppies, sunsets, fun, kisses, ice cubes and laughter. They were all good candidates but just didn’t have that tongue-in-cheek pizzazz or profundity required for a truly world-class list.
So, after exhaustive research, below you will find the top ten things you can't have too much of in 2018: 10. Hot Water
Never spoken words: “I wish this shower would run out of hot water.” Considering the best thinking is done in the shower, it’s safe to say that a
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lack of hot water could have a devastating impact on innovation, philosophy and the advancement of human civilization. 9. Uninterrupted Sleep
It turns out that the thing you're (conceivably) supposed to spend one third of your life doing might be important for your health. Study after study has proven the tremendous role that a good night's sleep plays not just in improving focus and attentiveness, but in mitigating the symptoms of depression and maintaining a healthy body weight.
As any grandparent can attest, there is nothing sweeter than hearing your beloved child – who’s cries were once the bane of your 4:00am existence – whinging about having to wake up throughout the night. Justice is sweet. 8. Icing
Never spoken words: “this cupcake has too much icing.”
What's a cupcake without icing? I’ll tell you what it is: a muffin. Have you ever tried to give a child a muffin on their birthday? It's a surefire way to look like a monster. 7. Books
Be they audiobooks for your daily commute or the ones made out of paper like the cavemen used to read, there more important than the written word. With the average time spent reading for pleasure on the decline, now is as good a time as ever to gain a leg up on your peers by cracking open a good book. I personally recommend Blockchain Revolution, which has been voted the world’s best non-fiction book by 100 percent of Tapscott Group
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employee 6. Pinot Noir
Every grape wants to be a Pinot Noir. I have yet to find a quote about Pinot Noir that doesn't evoke religion, which is telling. In the western United States, Pinot Noir sales increased 16 per cent immediately following the release of the film Sideways, thus proving that cinema can be a force for public good.
God made Cabernet Sauvignon, whereas the Devil made Pinot Noir - Andre Tchelistcheff 5. Bacon
If you thought for a moment that bacon would be taken off the list from 2015, you were horribly mistaken.
Beyond its status as the official food of the internet, bacon has proven itself an unthinkably versatile dish, and one of the few items capable of making a pile of leaves appetizing.
Friends come and go, but bacon is forever. 4. Cowbell
Will Ferrell and Christopher Walken called it years ago on Saturday Night Live. “More Cowbell.” Perhaps it's not the most sophisticated instrument, but there is not a song in the world that could not be improved with cowbell: Vivaldi's Four Seasons? More cowbell. Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries? More cowbell.
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Blue Oyster Cult's The Reaper? Way more cowbell. 3. RAM, Bandwidth, and Battery Power
Actually, each of these needs its own category on the list. Of all the things to complain about with your new device, battery power has got to be one of the most common. Considering the extent to which your everyday life depends on a properly functioning smartphone, it’s reasonable to think that having a battery last more than four hours is just the tiniest bit important. Meanwhile, manned missions to Mars seem that much more difficult when you consider how terrible the Wifi connection there must be. 2. Time to think
We’re all “thinking fast” but we need more time to “think slow.” None of us have enough time to sit down and think. In our increasingly connected world, it's nearly impossible to find a time to stop and contemplate some of life's nuances (see: “Hot water”).
Finding a moment to disconnect can be difficult, yet here you sit, spending your precious minutes reading a rant about the importance of icing on cupcakes.
And, the number one thing you can't have enough of in 2018… 1. Crypto-currencies
In case you haven't glanced at the news in the last two months, there's been quite a bit of talk about crypto-currencies like Bitcoin, Ether and Ripple. Around this time last year, Alex Tapscott and I were widely mocked
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for predicting that Bitcoin’s value would increase to above $2000US by the end of 2017. As this list was written, the price of Bitcoin sat at just above $15,000US.
Forget about a massive and permanent crash. Crypto-assets will be volatile, and there will be melt-downs, but expect an overall increase in value as long as innovation in functionality continues. So invest wisely in the right ones!
If you want to read some more serious predictions for the coming year, take a look at my recently published Quartz article, \"Ten cryptocurrency predictions for 2018 from the co-founder of the Blockchain Research Institute.\" ==
Food is Medicine: It’s Time for Doctors to Get Out of Your Medicine Cabinets and Into Your Kitchen
What if you could pour your pills down the sink and control your Crohn’s with steamed carrots? I don’t watch much television, but a show that has captured my attention is “Food Hospital,” a program out of the U.K. that investigated how people with severe medical conditions, such as eczema, epilepsy and depression, can be treated effectively with nothing more than dietary changes.
The show had its final run in 2012, and its fair share of critics. But there is truth to the idea that we are what we eat – and that too many of us are eating the wrong things.
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If you have cancer, a fistful of blueberries is not going to cure you. But too many of us have come to rely on pills to treat headaches, upset stomachs and acne, while ignoring the dietary triggers that cause them. We also seemed to have forgotten that many diseases, including many cancers, can be prevented by maintaining a regular diet of whole, healthy foods rich in vitamins, nutrients, minerals and fibers.
“I realize ‘superfood’ carries a certain hype, but some foods do earn that status,” writes Dr. Mark Hyman, director of the Cleveland Clinic's Center for Functional Medicine on his blog. “Food is medicine. And some foods are more powerful medicines than others! Food is the most powerful tool to create optimal health. Food is the first and most powerful drug in my arsenal to treat patients.”
Unfortunately, too few doctors make the connection between what their patients eat and how they feel. Physicians know that eating well and exercising is “good for you,” but they don’t realize how influential they can, and should, be in helping guide patients to make better food choices. When a friend experienced digestive problems, doctors took four years and countless tests to try to figure out what was wrong. Finally, by listening to her body and paying attention to the one thing no one else was focused on – her diet – she uncovered the problem herself. She gave up processed sugar, and the issue that had vexed her for years was cured in a day. This story rarely surprises practitioners of complementary medicine. Eastern medicine has long understood the power of medicinal foods. It’s time for Western medicine to catch up.
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“Many experimental studies have shown that components of foods or beverages may have anti-inflammatory effects,” Dr. Frank Hu, professor of nutrition and epidemiology in the Department of Nutrition at the Harvard School of Public Health, said in an article published on Harvard Medical School’s website. “Some of the foods that have been associated with an increased risk for chronic diseases such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease are also associated with excess inflammation. It's not surprising, since inflammation is an important underlying mechanism for the development of these diseases.”
These realizations should lead to doctors serving as food guides for patients who often don’t realize that their refrigerators function as medicine cabinets. We need physicians to prescribe nutritious food they way they prescribe medications. Just saying “eat right,” isn’t enough. A doctor wouldn’t say, “Take an NSAID.” They’d prescribe a specific pill. Similarly, it’s time for physicians to prescribe specific foods – and warn people away from less healthy options. I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Eat your colors,” or “Read labels and look for whole grains.” This would go a long way to helping people manage their weight and reduce their risk for diabetes and other diseases.
Health care doesn’t start at the doctor’s office. It starts at the supermarket. Providers will need to understand that distinction and help guide their patients to make the choices that will make the difference.
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